Innocent? I think not
by shag a lizard
Summary: Barlimin Butterbur's not just some innocent innkeeper, theres more to him than that. Not slash or romance. R


Bwahahah, I SHOULD be updating other fics, but fork that. the plot bunny bit my leg really, really hard. I've still got the scar......... yeh, enough plot bunnyness. "What's that?" "this my friend is a PINT" A pint of what? Most would just take it for beer and be done with it. But I looked and saw some clues that it was more than mere beer (hah, that rhymes). Why the hell is Butterbur always so nervous, why was Aragorn hanging around there all the time and lastly why do you think the dwarves, men and hobbits (all noted stoners. elves don't seem to smoke, they drink wine though) are all hanging around there? Mmhmm, I think there is something more to this little tavern than we all suspected.  
  
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Butterbur sat at the front desk looking around nervously. Then again, he was always nervous. Ever since that BLASTED Sauron had come back, more and more people were flooding into his illicit little tavern. And that had caused the MEFPK to start looking deeper into his activities. That chap, what was his name? Ah yes, Strider was always hanging around. Watching his every move. Butterbur was quite sure that he was an agent from the MEFPK.  
  
"Excuse me sir?" The gruff voice of a dwarf floated up to him.  
  
"Yes?" Butterbur recognized the dwarf, he came here a lot.  
  
"I'm just checking out and paying.........the tab." The dwarf stated shiftily. Butterbur nodded and took the money from the dwarf. He leaned in close and whispered to Butterbur.  
  
"You might want to be careful, Butterbur. The MEFPK is onto you, if they discover-- "  
  
"SHH!! Don't talk about that here." Butterbur said fearfully. The dwarf nodded.  
  
"I was just tellin' you to be careful. You ARE breaking laws after all. I'll see you later." The dwarf waved in farewell. Butterbur sat back in his chair. He WAS, it was only a matter of time before someone let slip his scheme. Butterbur was prepared for that, he had a bag ready to go, he could escape into the Midgewater Marshes, or even the Old Forest until it blew over. In any case, he would always live life on the edge.  
  
There was a noise that sounded somewhat like "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" by Jet, but Butterbur always thought it sounded horrible.  
  
"1-2-3 take my hand and came with me" The music, that was now distinguishable as Jet grew louder. 'the signal!! I told them not to deliver during the day though' Butterbur thought, sitting up as he heard the now familiar song. He got up and ran to the back.  
  
None of the other people in the tavern heard it, except for Strider, who noted Butterbur running off into the back room. 'finally a slip.' he thought and took off into the back room.  
  
Butterbur ran out into his courtyard to find the teenaged delivery boy unloading crates with his name marked in red paint. A boombox nearby was now belting out "Rollover DJ". The truck he drove in on was idling noisily, the crates of stuff within rattling.  
  
The boy was singing along loudly and badly to the music and his gameboy advanced (in the pocket of his loose pants) was playing the theme music to Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.  
  
"Yeh, that's 10 crates of item number 204" He said boredly tossing the last crate onto the ground "now dude, all you have to do is sign here" He pointed to an empty space on the clipboard with a pen. The rest was filled up with doodles and a picture or two.  
  
Butterbur pointedly signed with a small messy signature. The dude got in his truck and sped off. Butterbur looked around and caught a flash of green and the letter "s" before the truck vanished.  
  
Butterbur looked around to see if anyone had seen that and apparently it appeared to him that they had not and he began to haul his burden into the kitchen.  
  
Meanwhile, Strider, who had ran off to go after Butterbur but decided to search Butterbur's room instead to get some dirt on him. The room was a complete mess (A/N: and I say this envisioning my own room.........) random objects scattered about. The only furniture in the room were a bed and a desk. A dirty, long untouched box marked "Lost and Found" was in the corner. It was filled to the brim with clothing, weapons, money and anything else the guests of yesteryear had left behind. Strider surveyed it with distaste and proceeded to the desk on the opposite side of the room.  
  
The chair alone was messy. The desk was bearing a load that a horse would have found uncomfortable. Papers and dishes littered it. In the corner there was a lit candle, the only source of light in the room (the window was too dirty for even the light of noon to penetrate). Strider removed a stack of papers from beneath the candle that were causing it to tip dangerously to one side.  
  
Flicking through them Strider found nothing incriminating. Bill, bill, mail from Gandalf, bill, guest list, bill.......... a letter titled the MEFPK?? Strider couldn't help but cackle, he finally had the old coot. He would finally have revenge on him for that dog incident, and the setting him on fire incident, and the flaming mob incident. The MEFPK, wow, what had Barlimin done to get the MEFPK on his tail. 'Maybe it's a letter of thanks. He could have ratted ME out to the MEFPK!!' Strider looked doubtfully at the mood-changing letter. 'Well, if he does have me, I should know about it.' Strider decided. The envelope was yellowed, the return address in the corner was from a Mr. Goatrush. Strider took a knife out of his pocket and slit open the letter. Strider set the letter down by the dim candlelight and read, a fire growing in his eyes. He smiled and the candlelight made him look almost crazed.  
  
"I'VE GOT YOU NOW BARLIMIN!!! YOU'D BE BETTER OFF IF THE HOUNDS OF HELL WERE ON YOUR TAIL! HAHAHAHA!!!" Strider raved. He dashed out the door, taking the letter with him. He flew out into the tavern, nearly knocking over one Bilbo Baggins (on his way to Rivendale).  
  
Butterbur, who was carrying the crates into the kitchen, heard the noise. He did not however hear anything except his name, which puzzled him mightily. Meanwhile, Strider flew into the barn and got his horse. He took nothing with him and galloped off in the direction of Lake Town (the unknown location of the secret headquarters of the MEFPK).  
  
Butterbur watched him ride off into the sunset with relief. 'now he wont be snoopin' around here anymore'.  
  
*2 years later*  
  
Butterbur rested boredly on the front desk. It had been a slow day, almost no one had checked in (only that odd party of 4 hobbits). People were milling about the bar as usual and there seemed nothing unusual in the day. That blasted Strider had not returned for a few years, therefore Barlimin presumed that he was gone forever. With this comforting thought in mind Butterbur surveyed his guests. He walked casually among the patrons. Butterbur was about to return to the front desk, when the blue-eyed hobbit (of the party that had checked in earlier) tapped his shoulder.  
  
"That man in the corner, who is he?" the hobbit asked. Butterbur followed his gaze to the dark corner of the bar. He saw none other than Strider sitting in the corner, watching them and smoking. Barlimin cringed.  
  
"He's one of them rangers. Dangerous folk they are, wandering the wild. What his right name is I've never heard, but round here, he's known as Strider." Butterbur answered.  
  
"Strider" the hobbit repeated. Strider had his hood pulled over his eyes, but Barlimin knew it was him. 'How the hell did he get in here?' Butterbur wondered. Strider looked away from the curious hobbit for a moment and stared at Barlimin. His lips lifted into a crafty smile, and though Barlimin could not see his eyes, he was quite sure he had winked.  
  
'Ok, showtime' Strider thought as he saw the One Ring fly into the air. It landed on the hobbit's finger and he became invisible. Strider stopped smoking for a minute and stared. He went over to the place the hobbit was last seen and waited. Amidst the screams and gasps, Frodo re-appeared. Strider walked over and pinned him to the wall.  
  
"You've attracted FAR too much attention to yourself, Mr. Underhill" Strider said, dragging Frodo up the stairs. Butterbur noticed and went foreword to stop it. However, before he could punish the offending ranger, several Elves dressed in black briskly walked up to him.  
  
"Barlimin Butterbur?" they roughly questioned.  
  
"Yeh, tha's me." Butterbur said, confused. The elves nodded at each other. One pulled out a badge bearing the legend MEFPK and the words Agent Greenleaf below it. The other promptly put handcuffs on Butterbur's wrists.  
  
"Barlimin Butterbur, you are charged with the possession of illegal substances. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used as an excuse to kick your ass." Agent Greenleaf said. The other elf carted Butterbur, who was feverently denying the existence of these "illegal substances", into the cart out in front.  
  
There also were 9 black horses tethered to the cart (while there, the Ringwraiths were also placed under arrest for arson, battery and selling child porno. Don't ask.) .  
  
Agent Greenleaf proceeded to search the inn for the crates of the illegal substance reported. Strider watched this presentation with much satisfaction, as several crates were taken out of the kitchen and thrown into the cart with Butterbur and the ringwraiths.  
  
Strider watched as the odd procession walked out the front gate and off toward Lake Town. He laughed and told Frodo that he could no longer wait for the wizard.  
  
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Ah, yes, this will not be continued. I MIGHT do something in that ringwraith child porno, but who knows. Muahaha, thaaat's right, I don't tell you what the illegal substance is. Any guesses? Come one come all, any guess is good. 


End file.
